Some days it’s hard to imagine that, in an alternate reality, there would be a preschooler running around our house. Our six-year-old daughter would have a younger brother or sister, and life would be infinitely different from what it is today. But for whatever reason, we lost that baby, and in the five years since, we have battled infertility – a difficult and painful struggle that so many other women know all too well.
From the time that we are little girls, the dream of becoming a mommy is very real. We rock our baby dolls and namethem. I had a list of favorite baby names tucked in my Bible, long before I even began dating my husband! I wanted a big family, and I married the “perfect daddy” for all those kids we were going to have. But when those dreams and expectations were thwarted – well, let’s just say that King Solomon was right on when he wrote: “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life” (Proverbs 13:12, NIV).
At the time of our miscarriage, the song “Redeemer” by Nicole C. Mullen was very popular on the radio, and I felt like that song was written just for me. I didn’t really think much about the redemption theme at that time; it was these lines of the song that I liked:
“Who taught the sun where to stand in the morning?
And who told the ocean, ‘You can only come this far’?
And who showed the moon where to hide ’til evening?
Whose words alone can catch a falling star?”
These words were life-giving to me. I didn’t realize until much later that they came right out of the Book of Job. They promised me that God is bigger than my situation – that He is the Creator – that the universe is so big, and I am so small. He rules the tides. He rules the orbits. He easily rules my body and has a plan for me. That song was what carried me through.
So several months ago, God began to put the word “redemption” on my heart. I love that word. It means that what went wrong will be made right.
At the time, I had been specifically praying for my brother and sister-in-law, who have walked a very tough road with infertility, several miscarriages, and the sorrow of a stillborn son. As I prayed for them, I kept praying for redemption – that God would redeem their situation…that what was robbed from them would ultimately be restored. Finally, after enduring numerous attempts at fertility treatments, there was redemption! We found out that she is pregnant again at last – healthy – and this time with twins! Isn’t it just like God to do that? Only He could come up with such a perfect way to make up for their losses.
Shortly after I heard the joyous news, I was just praising and thanking God; and involuntarily, I began to sing, “’Cause I know my Redeemer lives….”
Suddenly it all became very clear. I finally get the rest of the song. I get it. My Redeemer lives! Somehow, all those years, I had hung on to the first verse of the song and never really comprehended the most important part…that He is my Redeemer!
God gave me that song at the time of our greatest sorrow, knowing that I wouldn’t really connect with it until five years later. He gave it to me then, knowing the future…that the five-plus years of waiting for our miracle and mourning with my brother and sister-in-law for their losses would finally make the message of the song real today. It was a promise to me then, but there’s no way I would have understood it any sooner, having not experienced the waiting period that makes the victory so sweet. You can’t have redemption without a situation to redeem…Right? There is great hope and peace in knowing that God has meant to redeem everything all along!
“I know that my Redeemer lives,” Job says, “and that in the end He will stand upon the earth” (Job 19:25, NIV).
We can rejoice in the knowledge that our losses will be redeemed! We can keep standing in faith for those babies and for our dreams of motherhood to come to fruition.
But this is where it gets tough. Somebody recently pointed out to me that Job declared those words long before he knew whether or not everything would turn out all right – or rather, the way he wanted it to turn out. We all know people (maybe even yourself) who stood in faith for a pregnancy or child that they never received. We don’t know why things sometimes fail to turn out the way we want them to, even when we pray and do all the right things. The point is, God is still our Redeemer, and He will still redeem our situation, even if it’s a little more creatively than we expected or imagined!
Isaiah 55:8-9 says, “‘For My thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways My ways,’ declares the Lord. ‘For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts than your thoughts’” (NASV).
Certainly, there’s nothing bleaker than the waiting period before redemption comes. It is easy to become discouraged, hopeless, bitter, angry, and just a teensy bit jealous of all of your fertile friends! I am so grateful for my godly mom (and dad!) who have continually encouraged us to stay positive and strong. My mom doesn’t let me mope about “what could have been” and instead encourages me to bask in the joy of the Lord. Both of my parents constantly speak the Word into our lives and remind us that we must recognize the battle for what it is – an attack on the future generations of our family – and that we must continually rebuke the devourer. God must have a plan for the children in our family for Satan to have come against it so strongly!
So in this season of redemption for my brother and sister-in-law, my husband’s and my hope is renewed as well. I don’t know how or when He’s going to choose to do it, but I know that my Redeemer lives and that He is at work in my life. He is at work in your life, too. He knows our bodies; He knows our needs and desires and dreams. And He knows the best way to fulfill those dreams. He knows the best way to take your situation and make it right.
Our Redeemer lives. He lives!
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